IF GOD WANTED ME TO WEAR CROCS I'D BE AN ATHEIST

Tannis Toohey @tannis2e/instagram                                              @Romancipated/Instagram

There are two kinds of people in the world: sensible people, and me. People who wear Crocs, and me. People who still have an Achilles tendon, and me.
Because I found these adorable, palest pink dominatrix-gladiator stilettos (above) on sale the other day and although the last thing I need is another pair of whorrifically inappropriate shoes, I bought them. 

I keep waiting for the day when my inner normal person awakens and decides it's time for flats, but just when I thought I was maybe almost there, a friend posted this underwater foot selfie on Facebook (hashtag #vacation #wetfeet etc etc) and the virulence of my reaction confirmed to me and the Facebook world that I am nuts not ready. Ironically, I was wearing my palest pink dominatrix-gladiator stilletos at the time — and sitting down of course, because the instant one tries to take a step in these things they bite into your flesh like a school of piranhas. Yet even the howling pain exploding everywhere from the ankles down was not enough to calm my instinctive gag reflex.

My friend, perhaps sensing that I might be logged on to Facebook because after all, it was during working hours, pre-emptively urged people not to "mock the Crocs" and explained that she had never known such comfort. And for the merest fraction of a second, that sounded tempting. But then I realized, CROCS??? I'D RATHER LIMP ACROSS A FIELD OF BROKEN GLASS IN MY BARE FEET THAN WEAR CROCS! Which coincidentally is exactly what wearing these palest pink footfuckers feels like ...

EDITOR'S NOTE: You call yourself a friend? She asks you not to mock her Crocs and you write an entire post mocking her Crocs!
MY NOTE: She'll forgive me. It is simply not possible to stay angry at someone wearing cute shoes.

RELATED: And speaking of friends, don't think I've forgotten that time you tried to steal my red-hot hooker shoes.